What it was like.
When I was in kindergarten, I had to bring a calendar to school and my teacher would stick on a smiley face, or frowny face to communicate to my parents how my behavior was that day. None of the other kids had to do that, so as early as I could remember I felt like I was different.
My behavior was challenging I had to have a cat scan to find out why. I remember laying in that loud, scary machine thinking, “How messed up am I?” The experts diagnosed me with A.D.D. but you didn’t need to be an expert to see that I had a behavior disorder. My mom made me go to therapy and take medication. All I wanted to do was play outside with my friends, and I’m in an office with a weird guy talking about my feelings and punching a pillow. Every day I had to see the school nurse for my medication. The other kids would call me crazy or a freak. The stigma regarding mental health is real. In the 8th grade I refused to go to therapy and take medication anymore. I was suspended 23 times that year.
Mental illness caused problems in high school, led to issues with alcohol, and was the reason I dropped out of college. It affected my relationships and made me borderline unemployable. One night in West Baltimore I negotiated a drug deal that went bad, and I was shot at. My illness was escalating, and the consequences were getting worse. At 23 years old my life was a disaster. I didn’t know what to do so I joined the Army. I thought that 3 squares a day, regular exercise, and discipline would help me. In 5 weeks, I got in 2 fights, was arrested for assault, shoved a drill sergeant, and was hospitalized. Needless to say, I was thrown out of the army.
But not before I earned my second diagnosis, Bipolar. Now I had a mood disorder and a behavior disorder. A few of the symptoms are engaging in risky behavior and trouble controlling my actions. It made complete sense. I executed life by ready, FIRE, then aim.
What happened.
Shortly after I returned home from the Army, I was arrested and faced 33 years in jail. During sentencing, the Judge shared that his college roommate had bipolar and was in a shootout with police outside their dorm. He said, “If you don’t get help for your bipolar you will die a violent death or spend the rest of your life in jail." He sentenced me to 5 years in the Department of Corrections and suspended all of it. His pause between 5 years and I suspend all of it felt like an eternity! The judge mandated that I see a psychiatrist. His grace would change my life forever.
At my first appointment, I told my psychiatrist that I didn’t want any medications that would take away my edge. He said, "Michael you’re a felon, unemployable, and you sleep on your dad’s couch. Tell me more about your edge.” He told me he’s never seen a bipolar snap out of control as fast as mine does. I flashed back to every teacher, principal, employer, and judge. They all said the same thing, “How could you do this? You're not a bad person.” For the first time in my life, I made the connection that all of my problems were a product of mental illness. At that moment I accepted my condition AND surrendered to the fact that I would need to treat it for the rest of my life.
What it’s like today.
Today I’m 25 years sober and have been treating my bipolar for 16 years. I have earned an Associates and Bachelors degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. I am a certified mental health and addiction counselor, and mental health first aid instructor. On November 19th 2019, I met an executive with The Society for Human Resource Management who referred me to their Speaker’s Bureau. In January of 2020 SHRM added me as a speaker. On November 10th 2021 I gave my first professional presentation at SHRM’s Volunteer Leader’s Business Meeting. I’ve almost been sentenced, committed, and killed. A life with untreated mental disorder was going to end in jail, an institution, or the cemetery.
Today I am a Leadership and Mental Health Speaker for the biggest Human Resources Organization in the world. I am happily married to an amazing woman. We live in Baltimore, Maryland with our 3 German Shepherds; Avon, Bella, and Kima.
“My mission is to communicate to anyone struggling with mental illness, no matter your hurts, your mistakes, or your diagnosis you can accomplish anything and live a life beyond your wildest dreams.”
